Am I still Living!?
Physically, this has got to be the most horrifying and miserable thing that has EVER happened to me.
Something isn’t right.
I had actual contractions, and they were extremely painful. Considerably more so than when I had Rosie. There was so much blood, I really thought I was going to die last night. I’m talking puddles and puddles of blood, flooding everything.
The contractions started around 10 last night, getting increasingly more painful. By 3 in the morning each contraction came with huge gushes of blood, and the clots started coming. At first they were mostly small. There was so much blood in the toilet, I couldn’t see them. All I could see was dark red blood. I was in so much pain there was no way I could fish them out to investigate, I was just trying to stay conscious.
Around 5:30 in the morning the pain got extremely intense, the blood literally started gushing, and Tyler wanted to call 911. I couldn’t move from the bathroom floor. Finally I got onto the toilet and a banana sized thing came rushing out. I think that was possibly the baby. I couldn’t get it out though, because I was so light headed from all the blood loss. All I could do was crawl back onto the floor.
The cramps were less after that, but still there. I kept passing clots with gushes of blood until around 10 this morning. Then it nearly stopped and I fell asleep. I passed one last red clot about strawberry sized this afternoon without much bleeding.
I’m so weak, I can’t sit up. I know what to take to make myself better, but it still is miserable.
I still have cramps off and on, and some bleeding though I’m no longer flooding everything. I’m not certain everything is out, I don’t know what’s going on. It scares me.
I have an appointment tomorrow with the CNM/OB’s office. They’ll do an ultrasound to see what’s left in there. Hopefully nothing, after all that what could be left!?! But knowing my luck, it will be something else horrible to face.
My midwife is coming over in an hour or so after she gets done checking on someone else. She said that everything does not add up to her, and she consulted another midwife who also said something isn’t right. If the baby had stopped developing around 8 weeks (7 weeks 5 days, they said in the ER) then the day before the heart beat should not have been right above my pants line over by my hip bone. She also told me that it’s unusual to have a strong healthy sounding heart beat and then suddenly and violently miscarry. There shouldn’t have been anything as large as a banana, the baby should have been grape sized. The pain and bleeding should not have lasted for 12 hours. The ER apparently did not tell me something. I’ll have to request my records so we can find out. I’m going to do that as soon as possible. I wish they would give me the ultrasound print outs, but I don’t think they include those in the records. I’m going to beg them to make copies. I would love to see my babe, even if the heart wasn’t beating any longer.
One possibility is that I was carrying twins, and one twin stopped developing then both the healthy twin and the sick twin miscarried. I hope I find out, this isn’t something I just want to leave a mystery.
After last night, I’m terrified to ever get pregnant again. If I do, and I miscarry, I will be begging them for a D&C. I don’t know how painful those are, but anything would be better than screaming in agony for hours while blood puddles around you.
I’m also very scared that everything isn’t out of me and the horrible cramps and gushing blood will come back tonight. I’m on pins and needles. I wish I could be drugged until this is all over.