Bring Igor Back?

My poor sweet Igor. This is just all wrong.

The other family couldn’t adopt him because relatives apparently showed up. We thought the relatives were going to adopt him, but it seems they aren’t.

Igor was moved to another orphanage.

He has to be so heartbroken and confused. This summer he told the American family wanting to adopt him that he had a mom and he had her phone number with him written down on a piece of paper. The American family had no clue what he was talking about because this past winter he said he had no family, he had lived in the orphanage his whole life. You know how little kids are, sometimes it’s hard to get the truth out of them. Let alone figuring it out through language and cultural barriers. Also kids from tough backgrounds are more prone to lie just because they would rather change reality, or they are sometimes confused.

Whatever went on, Igor is now abandoned at a new orphanage. His American family can’t adopt him to no fault of their own and they are pursing adoption elsewhere now since they’d already done all the paperwork. (It expires, and it’s expensive!)

Every adult Igor has ever known has abandoned him, including us. We promised him we’d write to him, then the adoptive family asked us not to so as not to interfere with their bonding process since Igor was very attached to us. That was understandable. But to Igor? It looks like we just disappeared and lied. I could handle that knowing he was getting a wonderful forever family.  Except now he isn’t.

My heart is breaking into a billion pieces.

We could host him this winter. The money is due now.

I would need $3,000 right now.

HAHAHAHA!

If only, if only. If $3,000 dropped into my lap we would immediately have his plane ticket booked. We can’t adopt him (right now), but we could definitely love him over Christmas again. We can write him and stay in touch with him after Christmas and (maybe, hopefully) host him again in the summer. We could at least give him hope that someone cares for him, even if we are an ocean away. We may be able to pay for him to have English lessons or something like that depending on how things are at his new orphanage.

There has to be some reason Igor keeps popping back up in our lives.

Why is this so hard? I just want to show up in Ukraine, grab him, and run. Or at least give him a kiss.

Should I have faith that we could raise $3,000 instantly? That seems impossible. Yet we did raise all of the money for hosting the last two times. I feel disheartened by the stories of these kids, and powerless to help them get adopted. At the same time it’s not that hard to just love them for a few weeks at a time. To live in the moment. It’s expensive for the travel, and it’s sometimes exhausting to foster a kid who hasn’t lived in a family setting before, but it’s also way worth every frustrating moment. Especially considering the statistical reality of what happens to orphans in Eastern Europe after they are kicked out of the orphanage at 16–Igor faces a life of crime, alcoholism, and poverty. I know we can’t adopt him unless something changes with his status, but we can show him what he would be missing if he chooses a life of crime. Without ever seeing a loving family he has no reason not to choose crime and alcoholism. Know what I mean?

It’s so hard. It’s easier to pretend these kids, these situations, and the whole thing doesn’t exist. Why don’t we just spend $3,000 on a vacation to Disney World instead?

But now we can’t ever forget. :( Once you’ve loved them, you can’t ever stop.

His kiss on my cheek, his sweet little arms around my neck, and his accented little boy voice. “Gud-bye Mama.” Then his sad eyes looking into my eyes.

Ooooh, my heart.