I’m really not the parent I want to be lately.
As Tyler so nicely put it, my standards are slipping.
It’s the exhaustion–I’m always so incredibly tired. I can’t take it. I have no patience or energy, I just want to go curl up somewhere and sleep for days.
Last night, for example, I was really excited about the season premier of Big Love. I had to wait until Ada finally fell asleep to watch it–that wasn’t until 11 at night. After I watched the show it was past midnight. Then I talked to Tyler for a little while and fell asleep by 1. At 3:30 Ada sat up, then she wouldn’t go back to sleep. Every time she was almost asleep she kept sitting up and flailing all over the bed. Around 5:30 I almost had her settled back down, she was drifting off to sleep, when Rosie woke up and started talking non-stop. So I only slept for 2.5 hours last night.
That’s a typical night! I often go to bed earlier, but then Ada will sometimes wake up and stay awake for hours, so it doesn’t matter how early I go to bed in the long run. Sometimes she’ll fall asleep at 7:30 then wake up at 9 and stay awake for hours. Other times she’ll wake up at 2:30 or 3 and stay awake until dawn.
I don’t know why she needs so little sleep. It’s not because she isn’t sleeping well in our bed. The opposite actually–she will wake up within ten minutes of me sneaking away from her most of the time. She wants to be close.
The thing is, she just isn’t tired. She’s full of energy, she’s happy to be awake. It’s not like she’s grumpy and rubbing her eyes or anything. She’s giggling and so cheerful, while I’m bleary eyed and miserable.
My mom insists I was the exact same way as a baby. It must be hereditary. She told me that she would take turns with my dad. One of them would stay up all night while the other slept, then the next day they would switch. Lucky them.
I can survive through Ada’s night wakings and I can deal with her only napping 30 minutes a day. But it’s Rosie who’s getting the raw end of the deal. She gets a momma who is tired and grumpy and impatient towards her. It’s not fair.
I remember when Rosie used to be a sweet squishy baby. I loved her so fiercely, I would never let anything in the world hurt her.
Now I’m the one hurting her, being mean to her, always annoyed with her.
This makes me sad. Very, very sad for my sweet little girl. She deserves patience and kindness just as much as Ada.
I need an entire weekend of solid uninterrupted sleep. Too bad that will never happen in a million years.
I can never sleep in because Tyler works nights, he has to keep the same schedule on the weekend for the sake of his body clock. He always sleeps until at least 11 if not 12 or 1. I have to be the one who gets up with the girls. If Ada wakes up at night while he’s home he can play with her sometimes, but it doesn’t always work out that way. He always tells me she’s fussing and she wants me. Then we’re back to Ada flailing all over me in bed, poking my eyes and pulling my hair and giggling while I desperately try to squeeze in one more drop of sleep.
Napping during the day makes me feel like crap, and I never sleep well when napping anyway. I feel so sluggish and sick afterward.
There’s really no solution. I’m not depressed over the lack of sleep, I’m not even frustrated by it directly. I’m just sad for my lack of energy and my inability to be a good momma to Rosie in my super exhausted state.
Then again, maybe being totally exhausted is no excuse. I don’t know. Maybe I should still be able to pull out compassion and patience from some deep maternal well inside of me. Maybe I’m just failing at being the mom of a four year old.
Which is it? Excuse, or true story? I guess we’ll never know, since I have no hope of catching up on sleep any time soon.
I love them so much.
If only they came with off switches, pause buttons, and mute buttons installed….