I think I poked the baby in the head.
I’m having a mini-crisis.
I think…my baby might be…REAL.
As in, there is a real live baby in there.
I can feel her moving all the time, but that’s so abstract. I still can’t convince myself she’s going to be a real child, like Rosie.
Except today I think I might have poked her head.
Like, I have a real baby who has a real bowling ball of a head jammed into my crotch.
And I touched her head. In my crotch. I touched it. With my fingers.
Then I freaked out.
When I was pregnant with Rosie it didn’t even occur to me to check my own cervix. I just had no clue that it was a) mine to do with what I wanted and b) that I could have the power to touch it. Obviously, you need a trained paid professional to do that.
Since I’ve spent the past few years doing natural family planning and then trying to conceive, well, my cervix and I have become quite familiar with each other. The cervix is pretty easy to find, at least once you find it the first time. It tells you so much–I could always tell exactly what point I was at in my cycle.
I’ve been afraid to stick my fingers near my cervix this entire pregnancy.
I checked it once during my last pregnancy, and it was low, thin, and open…and I was getting ready to have a miscarriage.
This time I just haven’t touched it.
The other day I had a lot of cramps and I remembered hey–I can feel my own cervix! So I did…except now it feels like a foreign land in there.
What happened to the nice round cervix with the little slit of an opening? It seems to have gone soggy…all I could feel in there was a lot of mushy vagina.
I think maybe I felt my cervix the other day–it was very long and mushy and I couldn’t find any opening. I was afraid to poke around too much, lest I irritate something.
(I mean think about it, it must be fairly tough in there if you can roughly jam a penis in and out of it…and think how rough vaginal exams from an OB are sometimes!)
Everything was incredibly mushy. After a second I realized there was one mushy thing with a different texture–it was long and…really mushy is the only word for it. I think that might have been my cervix. I couldn’t find any opening, and I didn’t want to probe around too much.
Look at this picture:
You can see in the first image on the diagram how the cervix is huge, long, and closed when there is no dilation or effacement. I guess the other day when I checked it I wasn’t dilated or effaced at all and that’s what I was feeling.
Fast forward to today. Last night I kept having that freaky pinching sensation, the one someone described as “Who gave my baby an ice pick?”
It was happening every time I walked. I remember when I was pregnant with Rosie the pinching and stinging went along with contractions and my cervix was changing. I’ve also been losing tons of mucus.
All of this really means nothing, as it could go on for weeks and weeks until I go into labor, but it’s exciting none the less.
The beginning of the end, so to speak.
Anyway, on a whim I decided to check my cervix again this afternoon to see if it still felt exactly the same. I want to figure out exactly what is what in there.
To my shock, it felt different. That long mushy thing wasn’t there…well it was there, but it was shorter and it felt different than last time.
So I felt upwards a bit more and…I hit something hard.
Something hard as a rock.
A big hard thing, in my vagina, not that far up.
I poked it, and it was really hard.
Then I freaked out and got up off of the toilet.
It dawned on me that this thing couldn’t be anything other than the baby’s head.
What else would be a hard rock inside of my vagina!?!
MY BABY HAS A HEAD…!!!
What I don’t know is this–where was I feeling the head?
Was it through the cervix? Is it dilated a bit and I accidentally stuck my fingers in it?
I didn’t think I felt any bag of waters, but of course it’s still intact in there somewhere and I may have just not realized that I was feeling it.
Or is my cervix still closed and just thinning? And maybe I felt the head resting on the other side of the cervix, without it being dilated or anything, if that’s even possible.
Next weekend when I see the midwife I have a few questions to ask…
The fact that I could feel the baby’s head explains why I woke up with so much tailbone pain and pressure, aching hips, and a sore pubic bone.