Germs, Anxiety, Abandoning The Cabin.
I am struggling with anxiety once again.
This time I’m finally going to try medication. I’m not sure what yet. Before they gave me a prescription for Zoloft, but I never picked it up from the pharmacy. Chickened out! I’m scared of the side effects. I have a doctor’s appointment on Thursday evening.
It’s just too much–being alone with the kids all the time and no break. I have this constant feeling of stress and impending doom. Anxious. I need it to stop. I need a break from racing thoughts and panic so that I can get back to enjoying my children and my life.
That’s not to say I’m not enjoying them now. I am. But we’re functioning at a reduced capacity over here. I have a full life to live! I hate, hate, hate the idea of medication yet at the same time I’m excited that it may help me feel like myself again. I need some kind of boost to get me out of this place and nothing else I’ve tried is working.
Ada has a horrible stomach bug right now, which is really pushing my anxiety over the top. My biggest phobia is of vomiting and things that go along with it. Ada has only thrown up once, but she’s had horrible diarrhea for the past four days. It even continued today despite getting an anti-diarrhea prescription from the pediatrician.
A ton of people in our area have had this same awful virus. Of course Ada would pick it up somehow, despite the fact that we’ve barely gone any place lately.
My main point of anxiety here is what will happen if/when I catch it. I’ll be alone with the kids. Henry will scream his face off while I’m in the bathroom. Ada will be two inches from my talking non-stop. Rosie will be refusing to help because she has somehow grown this new preteen girl attitude that has taken me by surprise. It will just be horrible. The worst part is every time I’ve caught one of these bugs while breastfeeding I just can’t seem to get over it without an IV of fluids. Last winter they totally knocked me out with a mega dose of phenergan in the IV.
I just…don’t have time, or money, or energy, or emotion for this right now. Nope, nope, nope, nope. I’ve spent a considerable amount of time crying over it. I know this is irrational. I can’t help it. I need someone to smack me upside the head then hold me and make it all better.
The other horrible part is waiting and waiting to see who else will come down with it. Where will it strike next?
Hate this part of parenting. I do not do well with stomach sickness and kids. I’m a terrible nurse and mother at this point.
I guess everyone has at least one thing they suck at when it comes to parenting. This is mine! Tyler of course is never home long enough to be of any help. Ada’s illness has been hard because at some points she was screaming hysterically, and Henry was crying too. I’m only one person here!
Oh, parenthood. There are so many great moments, but the bad moments are pure crap.
Speaking of pure crap, I am extremely fed up with this cabin. Love the land, love the neighbors, love the idea of the cabin. Do not love the 23908423 small things wrong over here that our landlords apparently refuse to fix.
I can’t remember what all of this I wrote about, so hang with me if I accidentally repeat something. My neighbor’s husband is a great handyman and offered to fix all the things (All The Things) in here for extremely cheap. My landlords told them that even $20 would have to come out of their grocery budget.
What the heck? The $700 a month I pay in rent comes out of my grocery budget. When we signed the lease and did the walk through the cabin looked fine. It looks like a normal house, right? I mean it’s a little rough around the edges because it’s a cabin, but nothing life altering. Then we started living here and all of these things popped up. The gray water issue became obvious after a couple of months of back up out there. There are about 20,000 small problems going on that are fairly simple repairs someone just needs to do.
Now you might think something small like the kitchen sink not being sealed to the counter is no big deal–a $3 tube of caulk and you’ve fixed it. But I’m paying $700 a month in rent, did I mention that? Why do I have to seal the sink?? Every time any bit of water splashes out or spills on the counter it runs straight under the sink and soaks below it, which we didn’t realize until the other day when we pulled out everything stored under there and found it was soaked and moldy. Add up that small thing with all the other small things, like the fact that the front door won’t open and the kitchen door won’t stay closed, and the fridge pours water from the top under the light and floods everything including the food, and well…it all rolls up into one big thing called FRUSTRATION.
I’m fairly certain not fixing things means that they are breaking the terms of the lease. I don’t have anywhere to move to at the moment, and I don’t particularly want to move right this second, but I am sick and tired of living somewhere with a hundred slightly messed up things.
This weekend we found tenants for our old house since we couldn’t sell it. They seem like super nice people and they are our age. They’re really excited to rent our house. I hope they love it! And as a landlord I would put repairs on a credit card if I had to in order to fix broken things. I would not tell them I can’t afford it because it comes out of my grocery budget. grumble
I feel like we still aren’t settled in our lives yet. We’re going to have to move again at some point, probably when our lease is up on the 1st of May. I’m really ready to just find a forever sort of home and stay there happily for the rest of my life.
In the mean time I’ve got to work on super cleaning and organizing everything for our home study. We have to update it since we moved, and it expires after one year anyway. (At a glance the social worker won’t see anything wrong here in regards to safety. As long as she’s not a home inspector! Hah!) We’re extremely excited about Igor coming back. Tyler probably more than anyone. Since he has about a week an a half off at Christmas, half of Igor’s visit, it’s less stress and more fun for all of us.