When things don’t go the way you’d like.
There are times when I wonder how things will all turn out in the end.
Are we just on an emotional trip with no destination in site? Where is this crazy boat even headed?
Igor has become certain that his mother in Ukraine will show up and take care of him. He’s neglected every time he goes to visit her home, and I hear tale of her showing up to the orphanage and yelling at him in the halls.
But he loves her, because she is his mother.
He has been begging to call her in Ukraine on a daily basis. We let him call every few days because otherwise he fixates on it and pouts non-stop. The last two times we hosted him he never even spoke of calling her!
Because I am super sneaky I record their phone conversations with an app that bugs my phone. Then I get a friend to translate what she’s saying. Apparently on the phone she acts so sweet and motherly to him, and he’s eating it up.
Yet when he actually goes to her house? He doesn’t eat. He doesn’t bathe.
I don’t get it.
I mean I understand why Igor would wish for his real mother to love him, of course. What I don’t understand is *his mother*. What game is she playing? Why is she mean to him and unable/unwilling to properly care for him in person, yet also unwilling to let him go? Why the fake act while he’s in America? My poor Igor. He is so confused.
But he’s choosing her. He’s putting all of his hope and faith into this–he wants to be with his mom in Ukraine. He’s pushing us away on purpose, building an emotional wall.
I have continually remind myself that this isn’t about me. We didn’t start hosting orphans for ourselves. Not for our entertainment, not for our own family. We did it for them, to help the kids. We’ve given Igor three years of memories and unconditional love, and that is exactly what we intended to do.
Of course this doesn’t make it any less heartbreaking to watch him choose a life of poverty, emotional abuse, neglect, and lack of opportunity over what could be a bright future in America. It’s sad and frustrating. It’s his choice to make though. We can’t force him to choose adoption, and we wouldn’t want to force him.
God is in charge here. Not me. Even though it seems like there is no plan and this doesn’t make sense now, I hope it will make perfect sense later.
I’m not sure what we’ll do next. I would like to host another child who is available for adoption. (Though I am sick of fundraising too, sorry guys!) I would also like to do foster care in America and maybe adopt from there.
I’m not sure what Tyler wants. He is very emotionally invested in Igor and asked me if I was really giving up on him. I’m not giving up on him. I’m respecting his choice. It sucks to move on, but I think we’ll be ok. There are many, many children all over the world who want a family.
I guess for now we’re just waiting. Waiting for August 28th when Igor goes back to Ukraine. Waiting for some indication of what we should do next.
In the mean time I have plenty to focus on around here. I’m planning our homeschooling curriculum for the year, still organizing my house, and trying to make new friends in this city. Lots to keep my mind off of Igor…though my heart still hurts.