A Million and One Ways to Break Your Heart.
First thing this morning I got a call on Skype.
He was using his roommate’s phone.
He was sniffling. He asked me if he could please come to me again, that he wants to come home to our family. He begged me to bring him home to us for Christmas.
He needs us.
We can’t get rid of this kid. It’s hard, it’s scary, and for whatever reason God insists that he is mine. And I love him. And Tyler loves him.
Did I mention that it’s hard and scary? And overwhelming? And expensive? And a draining? And a thousand other things…
But here he is.
As proof of our fate, Tyler insisted we should not host him anymore because it’s too hard. The next day Tyler is messaging me convincing me we should still try to adopt him if ever possible because…insert a hundred reasons here.
The heart knows more than the brain can ever understand.
Get this: The orphanage director is apparently enraged that so many kids have families who want to adopt them. She will lose her job if all of the kids are adopted. She is threatening to not allow any winter hosting.
Cruella DeVille, ya’ll.
I understand not wanting to lose your job and income, but these are the lives of children.
Want to know the other best part to this whole thing? Igor’s fate lies in a file on her desk. She could choose to initiate proceedings to have his mom’s rights terminated. Have a court date scheduled. Have Igor testify. End the whole routine of neglect and mind games for my boy forever.
She won’t do that though. He cannot be adopted, therefore he cannot leave her orphanage and reduce her numbers and risk her job.
That’s the cold hard truth.
I can’t understand what God’s plan is right now. I can’t understand why it has to be this painful. Do you know what it’s like to watch a child you love suffering and be powerless to make it stop? Powerless to help him?
It’s sickening. Physically, I feel ill. I want to take control, make everything right, swoop in and save him.
But I can’t. There are no options, no decisions to make.
There is absolutely nothing I can do right now besides saying I love you through a fuzzy Skype connection.