I’m having a lot of anxiety.
That’s really nothing new considering I’ve struggled with anxiety for a long time, but still…anxiety is lame and I dislike it.
I’m nervous about K coming.
We’ve already got such a good thing going, what if she ruins it? What if her visit is just horrible?
What if she has reactive attachment disorder? What if it’s just too hard to deal with?
What if she hates us? What if our house is too messy? I can’t keep my house clean all the time with two kids, how will I keep it clean enough with three kids?
What if our house just isn’t good enough? What if we aren’t old enough parents, rich enough, experienced enough?
Even worse than the above fears, what if she’s perfect for us? What if we fall absolutely head over heels in love with her?
How will we put her back on the plane to Ukraine if we love her and want to keep her forever?
How will we afford to adopt her? How will we go to Ukraine to get her and stay there for the several weeks to months it will take to complete the adoption when we have no money?
What if it’s impossible?
Even more frightening, what if it is possible?
What does older child adoption look like? How do you heal the lonely heart of a little girl who has never had a family to love her, who missed out on all the nurture and love she deserved during her babyhood?
It’s so safe to just say no. To sit here and not let our hearts go. It’s safe to not love unconditionally, without knowing where your love will take you.
It’s risky to love an orphan. Very risky, very scary, and very…a lot of emotions.
But how can we not? Once we know, how can we not do it? There’s just no turning back.
The other day I was driving down the road and inwardly lamenting the fact that our house is small and we don’t exactly have room for K’s clothing to fit anywhere.
We only have these really old, broken kid sized dressers. Spending money on furniture is not in the budget. So our clothes don’t have space to be put away in drawers.
How could we have a little girl here with no where to put her things?
We got home and as we were getting out of the car my neighbors across the street were carrying out a dresser.
He asked if we wanted it. His wife bought a new bedroom set and they needed to move the old one out to make space.
Huh, what? Random coincidence again??
Not only did they want to give us a dresser, it is a nice solid wooden dresser with a mirror on the top.
(Rosie was just asking me if she could ever have a dresser with a mirror in her room!)
AND it has a matching tall dresser that they also gave us. Two nice dressers! Not ten minutes after I was just stressing about not owning dresser space.
What the heck?