I am still so torn over Igor.
I feel like we’re stuck with him, in more ways than one.
First of all we love him, and that’s a big thing, and it’s not going to stop regardless of what happens.
However, the trauma. The trauma of hosting him and returning him over and over–it’s rough, and I don’t just mean for us. It’s hard for him.
It’s such a double edged sword. He wants to be here with us, yet the whole time he’s here he has major anxiety about returning, which makes him act out. It’s like he has one foot in each world, and the misery of his other life just hangs over his head and ruins everything.
The hardest part is dealing with his behavior, knowing that he literally cannot help it. He’s tortured inside. He doesn’t want to eat, or bathe, and he sabotages his own happiness. If we have a good time, he will purposefully sabotage it with bad behavior. This isn’t because he’s a bad kid. It’s because of his turmoil. He’s afraid to be happy, he knows it’s only temporary.
It’s hard on my kids, on our whole family, and even hardest on Igor himself.
If we were able to adopt him we would do battle with that trauma, face it head on, and hopefully there could be healing with stability and therapy. The departure date would no longer be in control of everything Igor does.
Forever is a powerful force.
Yet we’re unable to have forever. At least not right now, or any time in the foreseeable future.
What do we do?
Keep scrabbling together money for his trip to America twice a year?
Lord help me, that is stressful.
And contrary to several somewhat rude comments I’ve received I must say I honestly don’t think most average families have thousands of dollars to spend on a trip twice a year. Thousands of dollars in travel costs up front repeatedly do not equate to your ability to care for a child on a daily basis. I can buy food and clothing with each paycheck, thank you very much.
And if we don’t host him? What then? He’s going to think we lied to him, he’s going to be heartbroken.
I honestly do not know what to do. Sometimes I wish we’d never met him.
I don’t really mean that, but it would have been less painful.
I often wish we could start over and host a different child, one already on the adoption registry with no family. There are lots of kids out there.
I would love to do foster care, but we can’t go to the many training classes due to lack of childcare. Don’t know anyone in Columbus, can’t afford the very high cost of hiring a babysitter in this city. I’ve looked into it. I’ve checked local pages for sitters. I’ve contacted multiple agencies looking for one that offers childcare or has some sort of online training. Can’t find one.
I wish I could just do nothing. No more hosting, no more wanting to foster or adopt. I could sit in my house in the boring suburbs and watch Netflix in between driving the kids to various activities, and I could be happy.
Unfortunately that’s not me, and it never will be. Can’t change who I am. I’ve held broken children, I know how many of them are out there waiting for someone to love them. I can never go back to not knowing that firsthand.
But I don’t know what to do now. I need some kind of sign.
A big, glaring neon sign with an arrow pointing in the right direction.