half heard in the stillness-- between two waves of the sea.

Am I still Living!? 0

Am I still Living!?

Physically, this has got to be the most horrifying and miserable thing that has EVER happened to me. Something isn’t right. I had actual contractions, and they were extremely painful. Considerably more so than when I had Rosie. There was so much blood, I really thought I was going to die last night. I’m talking puddles and puddles of blood, flooding everything. The contractions started around 10 last night, getting increasingly more painful. By 3 in the morning each contraction came...

Saying Goodbye to Baby J. 0

Saying Goodbye to Baby J.

It didn’t come as a total shock, because I knew something wasn’t quite right. I just *knew*. I don’t know why or how, but I wrote before about how I felt totally unattached from this pregnancy, I couldn’t imagine it resulting in a baby in July. But of course no pregnant woman wants to think about that, so aside from stressing over it a little I tried to put it out of my head. My belly seemed to be still growing,...

Finally, to take a step without feet. 0

Finally, to take a step without feet.

“This is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally, to take a step without feet.” -Rumi I keep re-reading this quote, over and over. This quote perfectly describes what the conception of this baby and this pregnancy is for me. It came out of so much sadness and heartbreak, after being pregnant for 12 weeks then suddenly no longer pregnant. After trying desperately to fill...